When Dinosaurs Ruled The Mind #3: Jurassic Park 3

Grant! Raptor! You There?!

I'm here. Were's Raptor?

I’m here. Were’s Raptor?

Raptor?

Alan!

Alan!

WOAH!! Philosoraptor, is that you?

Yep! Needed a new look for the new movie. Scared ya didn't I?

Yep! Needed a new look for the new movie. Scared ya didn’t I?

Meh, I've seen worse.

Meh, I’ve seen worse.

So, now that you’ve changed your look, I see it’s appropriate to look at your kind first as I go over the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 3. I have a lot to say about you.

Bring it!

Bring it!

Alrighty then, let’s take a look at JP3’s….

Velociraptor

In both male and female variety.

The raptors in this film are very different, in act, they look almost nothing like the ones in the first two. Not only are they different colors, the also appear bigger, have this strange ridge on their snouts, and sport a mohawk of quills on their head in a vain attempt to make them more scientifically accurate.

You guys have a long way to go.

Why the dramatic change, Philosoraptor?

Because of new scientific discovery. We wanted to keep current.

Because of new scientific discovery. We wanted to keep current.

Man, you guys did the bare minimum, huh? I know you wanted to retain the spirit of the classic JP raptors, but at this point, science knew better. These guys are abominations.

Remember what I said in my seminar. These aren't actual dinosaurs, they are theme park monsters. They're mutant aberrations made to look like how we thought dinosaurs looked like.

Remember what I said in my seminar. These aren’t actual dinosaurs, they are theme park monsters. They’re mutant aberrations made to look like how we thought dinosaurs looked like.

You also said we are as smart as primates. Must I bring up the ostrich again?

You also said we are as smart as primates. Must I bring up the ostrich again?

Duh...

Duh…

Shut up!

Shut up!

Speaking of intelligence, these raptors are turned into evil geniuses. They formulate plans, have a complex language, set traps, and even SHOW MERCY!!!

You took my eggs, but then you gave them back. I think I’ll let you live.

But yeah, these raptors have all the problems of the first movie, plus a slew of new ones, all in a time that they should have really known better. Really, they should have kept them the same. At least show some consistency.

But these are a different subspecies of Velociraptor. Smarter, faster, better than the other ones. They were cloned first but had to be abandoned when...

But these are a different subspecies of Velociraptor. Smarter, faster, better than the other ones. They were cloned first but had to be abandoned when…

Fan Theories! Never said outright in the film. The reason they look different is because the director wanted them to. Case closed.

Dang it!

Dang it!

Hey! Back to your old self, huh?

Hey! Back to your old self, huh?

Let's just move on to the next dinosaur, OK?

Let’s just move on to the next dinosaur, OK?

Gladly. Now lets look into the biggest, baddest, meanest carnivore of them all. No, not T. rex. According to this movie it’s…

Spinosaurus

I know, I’m bad.

The makers of JP3 wanted to breathe new life into the franchise by adding a new big bad. They decided to add in Spinosaururs when it was discovered that it was even bigger than T. rex! And as we all know, bigger means BADDER!!! Now, Spinosaurus has gone through a variety of looks, most notably:

This…

then this…

…then this…

…and most recently this.

The reason for the many changes is because fossil material of this creature has always been elusive. It wasn’t until recently that we had a better idea as to how this creature looked liked, so when we found out that it was even bigger then T. rex, the producers were all like ‘hey, that means this guy can beat up a T. rex!!!

And so he does.

I’m not even going to talk about the Tyrannosaurus in this film because he basically exists just to show how powerful the new guy is. Thing is though, Spinosaurus was a fish eater. Yeah, just because something is bigger than T. rex doesn’t automatically make it badder.

Rex should have won that fight.

Rex should have won that fight.

No way! Spino had that one!

No way! Spino had that one!

Um, don't I get a say in this?

Um, don’t I get a say in this?

No!

No!

:-(

😦

ENOUGH!! People always go on and on about who should have won this fight. I don’t care about jaw strength, I don’t care about who had the upper hand,  I don’t care who was most powerful, all I know is this:

It’s impossible for a Spinosaurus’ hands to bend this way. That’s all I’m saying.

On a better note, however, this film did show off some relatively new material about this dinosaur, most notably how it looked, so I’ll give it props for that.

OK, next dinosaur. Who’s on the list?

Brachiosaurus

My old friend.

Notice anything different?

Hope you’re not colorblind.

These brachiosaurs are a very different color. While in the first film they were a greyish brown, here we see a greenish yellow hue with a bright red forehead. Is this evidence of sexual dimorphism, or just an example of the director wanting something different? I don’t care because I absolutely love it. I’m always tired of paleo-artists painting sauropods as a bland elephantine grey.

What’s more exciting. This…?

…or this!!!

My thoughts exactly.

Alright, who’s next?

Ankylosaurus

OK, let’s have a good look at this guy.

Hmm, I think I see the problem.

This depiction shows the common paleo-art trope that really needs to die, spikes on the side of Ankylosaurus. Ankylosaurus belongs to as group of dinosaurs called Ankylosaurids, who all had clubs on the tip of their tails. Thwy were closely related to Nodosaurids, who looked similar but instead had spikes on their sides. For some reason, people really like mixing the two, especially on poor old Ankylosaurus. It makes sense, since we don’t have a lot of fossil remains from this dinosaur, but we are fairly sure it didn’t look like this. Yet, this is a look that continues to appear, even today, as shown by this movie. I don’t think this movie really cared all that much to make these dinosaurs accurate. Oh well, what’s next?

Corythosaurus

This dinosaur is present in this scene.

See em’ on the right? No?

Hmm, forelimbs seem a bit small, but at least it shows correct posture. Nothing too noteworthy. Next?

Ceratosaurus

This guy has ‘derp’ written all over him.

I love Ceratosaurus. It always looked so cool to me, like a dinosaurian dragon. Unfortunately the role of medium sized horned dragon like carnivorous dinosaur (e.g of an overly narrow superlative) has recently went in favor of Carnotaurus.

Well lucky you, huh?

In fact, it was supposed to be a Carnotaurus in this movie! But thankfully, it was given to good old Ceratosaurus! Too bad he’s inaccurate.

The skull is way too robust, Ceratosaurus is known for having a very thin skull. In fact, he looks like a T. rex with a horn on it’s snout (he doesn’t even have the brow horns!). He also seems a little to big and bulky. Even with all that, however, I can’t hate this guy. The color design is so striking. If I had to give JP3 props for anything, it would be color design. In the video game JP: Operation Genesis we get a more accurate version of the Ceratosaurus.

Sleeker, thinner head, but still no brow horns.

Despite this, I still love the design and it always makes me happy to see a Ceratosaurus.

Keep at it, man.

Looks like we have one last dinosaur. Who is it?

*derp*

*derp*

Oh no, this is gonna be painful.

Pteranodon

Ok, this Pteranodon is bad. Like really bad. Dilophosaurus bad. First off, it has teeth. WHY???!!! Pteranodon doesn’t have teeth!!! It’s name even means ‘winged and TOOTHLESS’!!!!!.

Secondly, this.

Really? In the 21st century!?

Alright, the Ptero-Soarer trope of a giant pteradactyl picking up humans to feed it’s nest of young needs to die. Pterosaurs didn’t have the feet capable of grasping like this. Secondly, a human would be way too heavy to pick up, it would never get off the ground. Thirdly, pterosaur babies could probably fend for themselves not long after hatching. Everything about this scene is wrong. It was OK in King Kong, it was alright in 1 Million BC, but in 2002, they should have really known better.

OK, I think I’m ready to rate this thing.

It sucked didn't it.

It sucked didn’t it.

Yep.

Yeah, even I can agree with that.

Yeah, even I can agree with that.

While the first film was guilty of villainizing the dino’s from time to time, they also made a lot of effort to portray the dinosaurs as animals. Here, there is no mistake. They are movie monsters, end of story. Each JP film gets worse and worse in this regard.

We’ll see about you.

So, in the end, I give this movie a…

5 out of 10 stars.

Well, looks like that's it for Jurassic Park.

Well, looks like that’s it for Jurassic Park.

Well, there’s plenty of other JP related material out there to keep me busy for a while, but for now, yes. I’m glad I got to work with you Dr. Grant.

Good to know.

Good to know.

Raptor, can’t say it’s been a pleasure.

You're not rid of me yet, DG. WE may not be doing JP, but were there are dinosaurs, raptors will follow. I just have to change my form.

You’re not rid of me yet, DG. WE may not be doing JP, but where there are dinosaurs, raptors will follow. I just have to change my form.

Into what, exactly?

Surprise!

Surprise!

Walking with Dinosaurs (the mini series) is next.

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